If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
