I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
