I wish I could punch you in the face.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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