Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
