so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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