Banned from zoo.
Again?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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