I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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