I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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