I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
