I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
