How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
