Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
