the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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