Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
