i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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