I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
