It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sorry about my life...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
