tell your sister to shave her snatch
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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