Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
