my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
