did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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