no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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