as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
