i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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