All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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