If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
