good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
