I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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