the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
