She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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