So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
