when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize