I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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