I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
