I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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