We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
