Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
