I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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