Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
