He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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