I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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