You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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