They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
