Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
