u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
