When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
