You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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