sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
