Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
