I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
