Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
