I think i peed on brittanys purse
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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