never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
