Betty ford says i'm here all night
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Randomize
