So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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