nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
They took my balls.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
