You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
